Month: July 2005

I quit smoking recently. Every once and a while, I need to remind myself why I don’t smoke. Here’s why.

Firstly, smoking is death-seeking. I like my life, and I want to live for some time yet (see you in 2105!). Smoking is a symbol of the opposite of that, a symbol of my youthful angst and desire for oblivion. I still feel the pull of oblivion, but when I remember who I am, I don’t really want it. I want rich life, not emptyness, and smoking just pulls me in the wrong direction.

Secondly, smoking is part of a victim-mindset. I smoked because I could not change or correct the things wrong with my life. I smoked to rebel from the stuff that I could not change. These things are no longer true for me. I can change my life. Every moment of every day I can. So why do I need to rebel against my victimization? I don’t.

Third. It tastes horrible. Man, oh, man. Does it taste horrible. Fuck!

Fourth, the buzz from nicotine is horrendous. It makes me shake and unable to walk straight. Oblivion-boy liked that shit. I don’t.

Tomorrow is two weeks since I quit smoking. It’s getting way easier. I still have urges after I eat, but for the most part I don’t want any of it anymore.

I had my first day of karate. It rocked. It was fun, and can see the workouts coming. I can’t wait for Wednesday when I can go again.

Getting there was a hassle. I still can’t seem to get TriMet to be reliable. I missed the Towncar because it CAME EARLY (#$%^!!@!@$) and I missed the Max, because I got there on time. The driver shut the doors on me and drove off. I really love TriMet’s customer ethic. I have a call into their customer service. Let’s see if they ever get back to me.

Today was goals evaluation day for the last week. I actually did pretty good. A little bit short on the task list goals, but really long on the personal development stuff. I’m making progress on me, and I like it. Half my goals for the next week are in the personal development scheme too. I can’t wait to be another week down the road and happy.

I need to teach Covey to some other people. It’s a help to me, and maybe of some small value to them. I need to explain to someone that my advice habit is often my clarification of my own thoughts.

Yesterday, I did my walk all the way south on the Waterfront, across the river on the Steel Bridge, and then back north to the Ross Island Bridge, across, and home. Damn, that was a good walk! Longish. Good for me. I didn’t even get blistered. Yay!

It’s interesting how experience changes one. I’ve been feeling strongly the message of stories about past love. I have, in the past, never been able to empathize with these memes.

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